Moving day came faster than I had expected. Luckily my place was so small that everything I owned fit into a couple of boxes and my furniture would stay here anyways since Sasha had everything that we could possibly need and more. It felt like I left the last bit of myself in the old apartment and became a part of the new, yet improved one. I had wanted Megan and Lena to help but Sasha said that we would simply get people to help us. It would be so much easier so I just had them stuff my things into boxes and then have a moving company pick them up. They still came by to keep me company. When we were sitting in the empty apartment waiting for Sasha to come get me the girls got serious. "You know, we are a little worried about how fast this is all going with you two." Lena said. "I've known Sasha for a while and it strikes me as odd that you both were in relationships before you met each other, happy ones, I might add, and now you are rushing into something so fast like your life depends on it." Megan frowned as she said this and lowered her eyes as if she was afraid of my answer. "Look, I totally understand what you mean. It is just, have you ever met someone, that made you feel like he was the only one for you, that if you couldn't be with him, your life would stop making sense?" Both of them shook their head and kept their eyes low. "That is how he makes me feel. I realize that I didn't feel like that in the beginning and that I seemed happy but it's like only he can make me feel whole, you know. And he needs me so much. I feel like I can make everything ok for him and we can save each other." Our conversation was interrupted by keys being stuck into the door. "Hey, girls." Sasha quickly made his way over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Are you ready to go?" he asked me, not looking at Megan and Lena. "Yeah, sure. I will be down in a minute." "That's ok, I'll just wait here until you are finished." It seemed like he knew that we had been talking about him.
The first days living together were a blurr to me. A blurr of toasting to our new lives and spending hours in bed talking, cooking together and not getting up, except to eat and shower. This was exactly how I had pictured living together. It was like it was our own little world, where only him and me existed and no one else mattered. That was why I was a little surprised when I woke up a week after I had moved in to an empty bed. I figured that Sasha was probably out to get us some breakfast, threw on one of his Shirts and stepped into the kitchen to get some juice. Sasha was there with a guy that I had never seen before. The guy was large with unkempt hair and an open shirt. Sasha was taking apart one of his cigarettes and stuffing a joint. I had seen him do that a couple of times before, but usually not that early in the day. "Come sit with us babe", Sasha acknowledged my presence. "This is Sergey, by the way." "Nice to meet you." Sergey just nodded in my direction and took the freshly lit joint out of Sasha's hands. "You want some?" he asked me. "No, thanks." I smoothed my hair and pulled on my shirt to cover my butt and went to the fridge to get the bottle of juice. I wanted to ask if Sergey was staying longer or who he was but I felt like I shouldn't. "Uhm, what are you guys doing?" I asked instead. "Smoking till the lights go out." Sasha laughed. I was confused what to do next and sipped on my juice. "Well I think I am going back to bed, are you coming any time soon?" "No, I am going to stay here with Sergey for a little while." He wasn't looking at me. "Ok, well, I think I might have a shower then and meet up with the girls or go to University or something then." "Sure, babe".
When I got out of the bathroom Sasha was blocking the door with his arm. "Where are you going?" "I was going to go to see Lena and study a little bit." "Why?" "I haven't done much for University lately," I started. "Yeah, but I thought we were going to spend the day together." He looked crushed. "Yeah but you just said, that you were going to hang out with your friend, that is why I thought that I could do something with Lena instead." "Yeah but only for a couple of hours or so. Does that mean you don't want to hang out?" "Of course not. Look babe, I am going to meet Lena, study for an hour or two and then meet you back here for a late lunch. Deal?" "Ok," he smiled and kissed me on my forehead. But when I left I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't ok with this at all.
In contrary to what I had thought leaving the apartment was actually quite refreshing. I hadn't seen the sun in days and I enjoyed my walk to Lena's so much that I took a detour on the way there. Of course we didn't just study and after 4 hours of talking and giggling I finally checked my phone to see 5 missed calls from Sasha. "Shit". "What happened?" "Ah nothing, I told Sasha I was going to have lunch with him, but I lost track of time. Do you mind if I call him real quick?" "No of course not, go ahead." When I dialed his number my hands were shaking a little bit. The phone rang 6 times and went to voice mail. "I think I am gonna go, if that's ok with you." "Sure, it was fun though." "Yeah it was, I promise I am going to stop being MIA from now on and hang out more." "You better", Lena gave me a peck on the cheek and let me go.
On the way back I took the subway to get home faster. I felt like something bad was happening at home even though I couldn't quite say why.
When I opened the door, a thick cloud of smoke blurred my vision for a moment. The sweet scent filled my lungs and I coughed for a good minute before I could catch my breath. The music was loud and dark. There were five guys in the kitchen, 3 of them I had never seen before. A beautiful girl was leaning in the window smoking a cigarette and Sasha was in the corner, his eyes empty with a full glass of whiskey in his hand. The group didn't notice me until I accidentally kicked an empty bottle which noisily crashed into the refrigerator door. "Babe, there you are" Sasha slurred his words so much I could hardly understand them. I felt insecure when I made my way over to him, like all eyes in the room where on me. I kissed him on the cheek but he pulled me closer until I stumbled and fell on his lap. "Give me a real kiss." I held my breath when I kissed him, because I felt like I was going to be drunk as well by touching my lips to his. When I broke off the kiss he looked satisfied. He pursed his lips and said "These are my friends. We had a little party, while you were gone. I hope you don't mind." "Of course not," I hesitated. Still none of the others had said anything to me. "Since you were gone and everything and didn't want to spend time with me, I had to find new friends." He smiled but I could tell that there was a truth in his words that I found disturbing. "Well I am glad you are having fun babe. I think I am going to go lay down for a little bit. I am not feeling to well." "Ok, you don't mind if we keep on drinking, do you?" "No, just wake me up, when you are done, ok?".
As I left the room I could hear them laughing. What they were laughing about I didn't know, but it didn't feel good. I closed the bedroom door behind me and put on my sweat pants. I wanted to be by myself for a little while and not hear their laughter and loud Russian slur so I put in my headphones. I had dozed off because when I woke up, the bedroom door was open and the music was off. I got up, checked my reflection in the mirror and went to look what Sasha and the others were up to. The kitchen was a mess and they were nowhere to be seen. "They must have left" I thought to myself, so Sasha was probably in the living room sleeping off the booze. I went to check, but he wasn't there either. If he left, he would have surely left a note, wouldn't he? It was 9pm, they probably went out to eat. I decided since I was well rested now, I might as well clean the kitchen. I didn't want this to become a habit, but I figured that I could do something nice for him since I had been so late today. The bottle of whiskey was almost empty, sticking to the table. Shot glasses filled with clear liquid were on the window sill, I didn't have to smell them or taste them to know it was vodka. There were green crumbs and ashes everywhere. It took me a good hour to get the kitchen back to the way it was. Afterwards I waited. He had to come home soon, hadn't he? After all he knew that I wasn't feeling well and he hadn't even told me where he had gone. I put in a movie and tried to concentrate on the complicated turn of events but I couldn't really follow it. It was shortly after twelve when I picked up my phone from the bedroom to call Sasha. He didn't answer. I tried again at 12.30 and then at 1. By the time it was 1.30 I was a nervous wreck. He could have at least left a message for me or called to tell me where he was. At 2 I finally understood that there was nothing I could do, I couldn't leave to go check for him and if he didn't want to pick up his phone I couldn't make him. I put on my PJ's and went to bed. The last time I checked my watch it was 3.30. Then I fell into a nightmare shaken dream.