When Emily woke up again she was still on the bathroom floor-. Her head was pounding like crazy. Her brain felt like it was loose in her head and didn’t know where it belonged. She could have sworn it was moving around just to piss her off. Still it couldn’t even compare with the way she was pissed of with herself. How could she have cheated on the one person that she cared about. The one person she really loved. The one person, that, yes, drove her crazy many times but in the end made her feel happier than ever. She knew that they were going through some really tough times right now but on the other hand she also knew that this guy had never done anything to hurt her, like she had done now. She needed to know what exactly had happened the night before and she wasn’t sure who to talk to about this. It took her about 10 minutes to finally get up from the cold floor. Her arm had fallen asleep. She wished her heart had done the same. She walked to her bed with her head down, got in and put the covers over her head as to tune out all light and sound. But instead the blanket felt like a feathery grave smelling of washing powder and saliva.
When she met Jonathan a couple of years ago she had given up on the whole concept of love, or at least that is what she had told herself. She was so sick of the whole dating game and the lies, the bullshit and most of all of the disappointments. With each guy she went out with and who never called again, called too often, called her best friend instead she decided that she didn’t really need anyone. She was perfectly capable of getting along by herself. She had just moved into a small apartment. It was her first attempt living alone and she loved it. She enjoyed decorating everything the way she liked it and she put a lot of love and effort in the little details, such as that beautiful painting she fell in love with instantly and that no one really understood – except Jonathan. She thought she had found her place and that she didn’t need a man. She went out a lot and had a large circle of friends so she rarely had the time to miss that one special person – until he came along. She remembered the first time she saw him and even though it sounded corny and sappy when they told the story to friends she always said that their eyes met through the room and she knew he was very special. He was tall, handsome, sandy brown hair, bleached by the sun and a little tan from spending most of his time outside doing some kind of sport. But oddly enough none of her friends found him sexy and when she pointed him out they looked at her funny. She didn’t care, to her he was perfect. They had a wonderful first evening together, and even though it didn’t work out right away they kept in touch and made it work eventually. She could’t bare the thought of his bright green eyes looking at her in that puppy dog way that sometimes drover her crazy and made her love him so much more. What had she done? This wasn’t who she was. She had occasionally cheated on boyfriends when she was much younger but nothing like this ever. Nothing at ever gone beyond a kiss and she usually had told the guys right away. This time she knew it had to be different. This could never get to Jonathan or it would definitely be over. She tried to remember their last fight and what caused her to move out of their place but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. It had all been so stupid, but a lot of stupidity over a lot of years adds up and made them decide that it was time to go their separate ways, at least for a little while. She decided to get up again and go to the bathroom. When she looked in the mirror, the dark circles underneath her eyes were proof enough for what happened last night. Her curls were tangled and pointing in every direction and she had a look in her eyes that she had never even seen on herself – guilt. She closed the toilet cover and sat down, buried her face in her hands and cried like a baby.