Chapter Ten

At times I visit the executed Anna-Marie in the graveyard. I visit her her particular headstone. I sleep at night carefully avoided the night keeper, who would knowing my own sorrows would give a blind eye to me. As I was a trans woman and I was a nobody for this world.

The man knew that Anna-Marie despite her faults above everyone's faults that Anna-Marie was my world. That I stay in the cold, and ate bread with mold, not caring if I became sick and died. For I have tried to date others, and have failed in my mind. And yet for her I saw something in myself. That I should have went to the guillotine and was decapitated by her side.

I opened the grave, while holding a crow on my shoulder. And the crow said, "Watch out for the boulder."

The crow pushed the boulder fell and the crow got smashed by it to save some miserable life of mine when it startled me to move out of the way. Who am I to be worth saving, for I am nobody else but a worm crawling through the grave. And I think of the lonely old man James, who treated me well after she was gone. And ultimately, I found her deserved someone better than me.

The second attempted suicide, I jumped.

Yet the fall did not kill me, not even a lonely heart. For the quarry was as shallow as the love for myself that descended into a kind of self-hate. And over time I began to lust after the grave. And yet no my head feels funny. I imagine myself running from something I feared the worst from, and yet I knew not what. I only knew that I particularly wanted to run but not far. And over time the horse cart became more appealing, and so I pushed myself in front of the carriage.

I Hemato out of reality and life began to resent blonds who I found conniving after meeting one in high school. And the only one beside Anna-Marie were this way, and so my life became a lover inside my mind. A lover who could love nobody else, but the memory of Anna-Marie.

Instead now I am sent to a ward in my mind. I imagine myself sent to a ward of the state, and imagine the life that Hemato could have had. I feel somewhat happier that she did not have to life the rest of her life here.

For there were only strangers there.

I am sending you my farewell James. Thank you for being my friend and always, even though I could have never courted you. For you were the only one who cared about me, despite my imagined families fortune. If I don't choose to hang myself, know that it was because I lost all care in the world.

I became the rot of my own making.

Because I lost the will to care. For nobody else, but my love.

My darling Anna-Marie.

I imagined myself the murderer of her father on her behalf, in order to avoid her untimely execution. But instead we both are locked in a portable neck stock on the run from the law. The triggers were pulled. The blade cut through our necks, blood flew everywhere and I got an erection from Anna-Marie losing her head.

We call ourselves Hemato and Anna-Marie.

Because we married in death.

I've never been on a date before, but there is nothing like a ride on a hang glider. I sometimes worry about whether Anna-Marie may fall. But I have confidence in her abilities. And at this point, it's not like either of us can die anyway.

We watch the world above us as the clouds of darkness converge. Yet for us there is a kind of hidden rainbow, where even the most broken of lost children can find some happiness in their new life. It wasn't heaven in the traditional sense, but also might as well have been. When your mind has been completely copied and your life force transfered over to a computer, the difference between actual paradise and electronics is unimportant. I pointed her in the direction of the stop, and we flew together holding hands. I wondered what kind of new stories could be told between me and Anna-Marie.

But for now I leave you with, please consider carefully the value of taking another person's life. Anna-Marie was my friend, and my life would have completely lost without her. She may be scared of you and as much as you to her, but there is something level of sweetness even in the most broken of cyberspace heaven's children. Because at the end of the day we are all depressed and scared about something. Over time in heaven I've found something of responsibility to help Anna not end up her own existence, if no other reason than it would get really lonely. I find that may trauma about holding her decapitated head gradually melt away into the distance. Whatever past she had makes no difference to me, and I find myself crying tears of joy.

She helped me forgive myself.

In my mind I see horrifying futures, I'm not sure what I could do to help the world meat space. I worry about my siblings, who I have seen the future birth of the computer hacker Nadine and Vella. I'm not sure what future the world holds, but I picture myself level electronic paradise forever, holding hands with my true love and always. As we walk together into the light.

She smiling! I'm so happy.

Don't hate the bad girls, cause we are all children at heart.

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