Don't be afraid

I am driving down the narrow road that wraps itself around the mountain like a hungry boa constrictor. To me it is as if driving here always feels like being at a go kart race with your friends; you think you are going really fast only to always end up in second to last place, right before someone’s mom who will say things like „driving has really changed in the past years“, even if she hasn’t driven in a real car for decades. What I am trying to say is, I drive slow, even though it doesn’t feel that way to me. I think about my friends, the ones I left behind and haven’t really done anything even remotely related to go kart racing in the past years, the ones, I haven’t spoken to in over a year. I tell myself I don’t miss them, that I don’t deserve any of them and that I should be happy, that I got out of there alive. My hands on the steering wheel are at the perfect 10 and 2 o’ clock position, I have taken my high heels off to drive and slipped into sneakers as I think you are not allowed to drive in heels here.

I will have to drive for another hour at least until I arrive reach the next city and even then I am not sure if I will find what I am looking for, but I have come so far, that I am not going to give up now. I turn up the radio. I detest silence now, I long for a loud bass, one that will make my heart hum. I finally find a station that I like, so I can focus on the road again, the whiskey’s slight buzz slowly wearing off, making me long for more. Another 45 minutes to go. When I finally get to the club, I stay put. I sit in my car, engine still on, not sure what I am really looking for tonight. Once again I will myself to push the door open and then one leg after the other onto the dirty parking lot. The gravel crunches under my heels and I can feel the music vibrating underneath me. It doesn’t matter now. I always think that I can go back in time, that I can change what I am, but really all I need to do is accept it. It doesn’t matter if I pile on more shit, more sins, more things that I will be ashamed of later, no matter how good I’d be from now on it would never stop my mother from crying each and every time she sees me now. Well saw me, she hasn’t seen me in over a year either. But it doesn’t matter, I might as well be real bad now, make it worth it if you will. I give the bouncer a smile and a quick nod, he doesn’t even flinch before letting me in. I know how I look, little catholic school girl that wants to get in trouble. And a lot of men are into that sort of shit.

I don’t have to wait long until I find what I want. I order two shots of Whiskey straight with no ice, I don’t care what it costs. I have no plans for my money anyways other than survive, and maybe not even that. The guy two bar stools over is looking at me. He is big, broad shoulders, thick neck, muscular. His face is that of a quarterback, generic with smiling eyes, a face like that of many men before. His eyes are undressing me, slowly, with him licking his lips ever so often as if he was feasting on me already. I don’t want him. I want his friend, he clearly is into some sport as well, but he is less obvious jock and pretty boy but much more someone that could have a dark secret, someone like me. His eyes are narrowly set, they are black or maybe brown and they haven’t left mine since I came in here. His friend says something, he laughs, revealing a row of sharp teeth, or maybe that is just my imagination. I order another two shots and feel the effect immediately. I sit on my stool and wait. One of them is bound to come over and whichever it is I will just go with it. I don’t really care. I drum my fingers against the rim of my glass. Which one will it be? Narcissistic Sex with the pretty boy, watching himself, enjoying his own show in my bedroom mirror or something else, something which I am less sure of with the other one? They seem to not know what to do any I am growing impatient. I could just move over to another corner of the bar and find someone else, but quite frankly, I am too lazy. I have already mustered all my energy to come here tonight, I just want it to be quick and easy. Vampire teeth, in lack of a better name for him, finally decides to make his move. He is next to me in 2 long strides, clutching 2 more drinks in his hand. His seems to be a shot of some sort and the one intended for me some frilly, girly drink, something I used to drink. I take the shot and he just raises an eyebrow. I order more, handing the pink icy glass back to the bartender. „So you know what you want, don’t you?“ he asks, cocky smile, teeth not as sharp as they looked from further away, I will have to come up with a new name for him. „Yeah something like that,“ I smile, teasing him. I know by now men love this, they love the girly girl that behaves like one of them. They actually do like to believe that there is this perfect woman, who will drink beer and eat only burgers and pizza, but looking like she never eats anything. The one that will laugh at all their jokes and reassure them constantly by telling them how amazing they are while being incredibly self confident. The one that will be able to support herself and stand up for herself while always having his back. I am really good at being her for one night. I have the act down, since I have been doing it for a year, every couple of weeks. I taught myself how to drink whiskey, keeping a straight face. I learned about soccer, players, rules, everything really. I smile, I tease, I flirt while making sure he knows I am down to everything, but not because he wants me to, but because it is what I really want. If the time is limited, I can be whatever the fuck this guy wants tonight. He raises an eyebrow again. „I am Dominik“, he holds out his hand and I shake it like I mean it. „Jessa,“ I smile again. „So are you here often?“ he asks. What a ridiculous line. I had no clue people actually still used that. I am disappointed in him, so disappointed I want to throw my drink in his face. I thought he would nail it, he would make me actually want to fuck him, but now I will only do it because I am too lazy to find someone else. I shift and something inside me stirs. I should not take this guy home with me, he makes me uneasy and I can’t explain why. I confront him about his ridiculous line instead. „Is that all you got?“ I try to remain playful but my tone has changed but he doesn’t detect it. He raises his hands in the air and lets them fall again, like he has given up. I am half hoping he has, when he leans in. „Look Jessa, you are right. That was bad. But I have seen you here before. You always come in, get really drunk in a matter of minutes and then leave with the next best guy. Maybe we should just cut the shit and just say it like it is. What do you think?“ His hand is on my arm, stinging me, even though there is nothing there to sting. The uneasy feeling increases but I push past it. „Ok“, I say instead and grab his hand instead fleeing out of the club like it isn’t him I should be running away from





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