Hush my baby, don't you cry

„Can you just get out of the car with the drunk guy already?“ Black mascara tears ran down my cheeks as I tried to pull him out of the car. „I am sorry, I am really trying.“ I wiped away the tears and some snot hoping that the taxi driver noticed that I was really making an effort ending this quickly. His tongue was heavy as he slurred „Leave me alone bitch, I don’t live here!“ I tried to stay calm, I didn’t even know what to say to that. I used the back of my hand to carelessly wipe away more black stripes as I gave the driver a very generous tip. Sasha was sitting on the curb, his head between his legs, staring at the floor. I couldn’t really see with the tears blurring my vision so it took me a couple of minutes until I found the keys in my purse. „What the fuck is taking so long? Don’t you know how to do anything?“ This is not him, I know it.“ I thought to myself. „This is all that Vodka and Whiskey and the beers with dinner, he won’t remember any of this in the morning.“ At least that is what I told myself. I finally found the key and put it in the door with trembling hands. I held my other hand out to him, thinking he might take it to follow me upstairs. Sasha just looked at it, disgusted, brushing past it like it hadn’t even been there, making his way up to our floor. He looked at me from the top of the stairs so I slowly walked up as well. „What are you waiting for? Open the fucking door.“ I tried not to look at him as I obeyed. I saw him carelessly kicking of his shoes and shrugging off the jacket, leaving both to land in the middle of the hallway. I picked them up and place them where they belonged. Sasha was walking across the kitchen opening the fridge and taking the bottle of vodka from the freezer. There was a thin icy film on it and his sweaty fingers left big wet marks where he was touching it. He took a glass from the sink and filled it halfway with the clear liquid, to then down it in one swift move. I saw him repeat the whole thing 2 more times, and finally setting down both, glass and bottle down. His eyes were locked on the table, his head was bobbing from side to side, his lips were pursed. I knew that look, it was the look he had, when he was wasted beyond anything. Carefully I took the bottle from the table to put it back the the freezer when I heard him hiss „What do you think you are doing, I am not done yet.“ All of a sudden he was behind me, ripping the bottle from my hand. I flinched, but he had already sat back down and poured himself another glass. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. Unsure of what to do I just stood in front of the fridge letting the cold numb my body.  This was not my Sasha. This was someone else, someone who would be embarrassed for his behavior tomorrow and who would tell me he loved me over and over again if I told him what happened. This was someone that was hurt and sad, because never in his life he had had someone care so much for him and he didn’t know how to deal with this. It had to be that way. I slowly closed the door of the fridge and looked at him, his head still bobbing, trying to get a cigarette out of its box. „I am going to bed“ I said carefully. „Do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t care.“ I swallowed my tears and my pride and closed the kitchen door behind me before I let out a loud and desperate sob.

***

I went to the bathroom to cry. I couldn’t bear the thought of him walking in on me, so I locked the door. I let myself slide to the floor and buried my face in my hands to muffle the uncontrollable sobs coming out of the depth of my throat. Every time I thought I was done, another guttural sound escaped my lips. My breath was short and quick and I felt like not enough air was reaching my lungs. I had no idea what had happened. I was trying to wrap my head around why he had gotten so angry at me and how this had gotten so out of hand. Yes after another 2 hours at the club I had practically dragged him out of there but just because he was so out of it, that he didn’t even talk to anyone anymore. He hadn’t even objected and just followed me to the taxi. In the taxi we had barely spoken a word. Come to think of it he had barely spoken to me all evening and probably not spoken to me at all at the club. I had felt like an accessory, but one, that didn’t match the others. Originally I had wanted to say something to him but when I saw how he wasn’t even able to follow the easiest train of conversation I thought better of it. Where the sudden hatred came from when we got home, I didn’t know. All I could think of was, how much I hoped that this would be over soon. That come morning he would have forgotten what he was so angry about and that we could put this night behind us. At some point I heard Sasha open the kitchen door and stumble across the hallway. My stomach clenched. What if he needed to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t ready for another round of this evening. When I heard him make his way to the bedroom I sighed with relief. I was going to stay in here tonight.

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