Numbers are a big thing in the grown-up-world. We try to label everything with numbers. The date, age, height. But sometimes people forget, that there are more than numbers. When you are a kid, you don't see the numbers, you don't even know they exist. Kids see the world different for some reason. They don't think "I would like to be your friend, but you are five years older than me. It would never work, sorry, dude." They think "Hey, I like you! Let's be friends!" For them age doesn't exist. But for adults it does. The older you get, the more you recognize it. When you are in primary school, you slowly get the whole number-thing. When you get into middle school, you start thinking about your first kiss, your first date, your first relationship. Everything begins with the big "first". When you are lucky, you find someone the same age as you. You have the perfect first kiss, first date, first relationship. But what if you don't feel anything special for anyone? You decide to wait till High school. And when you are finally in High school, things get more serious. You have four years to prepare for your future. Your whole future. And don't forget about this annoying thing called puberty, social pressure, love life and your parents. Your hormones get crazy. Not the bipolar crazy, but definitely kind of that. Now you can decide: Love and social life or good grades and happy parents? You barely can have both. When you are a girl, things are even more complicated. You probably have a strict father, who would kill the boy you bring home. And he would kill him even more, when he is older. And there are the numbers again. And I don't get it. Age is just a number. When you searched for a boyfriend in every guy in your age and they are just not the right ones, you start to search in older boys. And when you find the right one, what are you going to do? Give him up because he has been two years more on this planet than you? Your parents expect that. The funny thing is, when you are older, age doesn't matter at all. It's just a number than. When a 22 year old girl dates a 24 year old guy, nobody would be like "But he is too old for her!" When some 40 year old woman marries a 35 year old man, everyone would be happy for them. So why for christ sake is it a problem when a 15 year old wants to date a 17year old guy. I mean, I get the parents. They want their children to be safe, they think, a 17 year old boy would only think about sex, alcohol, maybe even drugs. They think, the girl would be pregnant in the moment they kiss. But don't they understand that some boys are patient? That they are responsible? That they care for a girl's feelings? And even when the guy wants sex, most of the girls are responsible. They would say no, break up with them, hate the guy forever and move on. When a relationship doesn't work, you can call it experience. Do parents forget, that they were young too? That they were in love too? That some fathers didn't like their choice of boyfriend too? That age is just a goddamn number?

In our world is war, hate and racism. People die every day of cancer or murder. I know that these are "first world problems". I know that I should be happy with my life, with my parents. I love my parents and my life, I do.

But are sad thoughts a "privilege" of the people, who have a worse life than me? Should I feel ashamed that I cry in the middle of the night because I am frustrated and stressed and just feeling like I will be forever alone? Should I feel bad for my feelings and thoughts I have sometimes?

If so, I just should act like I am on drugs, or what? Everyone's life could fill twenty books. And I know that the time will come, when age is just a number again. But sometimes I don't feel like I could survive High School without someone, who would understand it, when I am feeling bad and hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. I have friends, of course. But the ones just don't really get me or my feelings, and the other is so far away, that I fear that we are drifting apart. And even when she would be here, she wouldn't be able to help me. I annoyed her already when I was depressed for a week. I don't know if she could handle it when it would be more than a phase.

There is just no person I can tell this. There are people like that. But I don't really feel like telling them. I want them to have this picture of me, this happy, little crazy, little tuff picture of me. The me who stands up when she doesn't like someone. The one who isn't afraid of who she is and how people think about her.
Every one has secrets. Every one has to deal with something. Every one has bad times.

I apologize for every dark thought. I love my family, my friends, my life. But sometimes it can be rough and I feel to weak to stand it. Sometimes I break down in the middle of the night and I feel so alone. In this giant bed, this giant room, no one is here to hear me cry. They are all asleep, probably dreaming, not knowing about their daughter/sister crying. Nobody is there to hug me and tell me, everything will be okay. No one. Just me, myself and I. Forever. When I was born, I was alone. When I will die, I will be alone. But it's my decision who will be there for me till I am at that point.

I have my whole life to figure that out. This is just the beginning.


  • Author Portrait

    Absolutely great and very deep text. I have similar thought once in a while and it's good to know that there are other people who think that way :)




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