I remember the day I saw you the last time. I entered the room and you were lying in the hospital bed looking more dead than alive.
It hurt me so much to see you like that. Your skin so pale it looked like you have never seen sunlight and your lips so dry they cracked open. Mom greeted you and asked you if you are thirsty, but you were too weak to answer and nodded slightly. She gave you some water and it looked like you didn't drink in a long time because you finished the cup so fast, that she went to get you more. Your eyes were closed but I could see movement on your eye lids. Mom came back and told you how much she loves you and that you always made her feel welcome to the family. She said how sorry she is that she didn't visit you and grandma more often but that she always loved you. Dad, your son, was just standing in the back of the room trying not to cry. I have never seen him cry tho. I suddenly felt like I want to be alone with you and asked my parents and my sister to leave the room for a few minutes. I thought about telling you my biggest secret. A secret I have been carrying with me since I can think. But then I looked at you and thought I saw a smile. I looked closer and asked "Grandpa, do you hear me?". You nodded, eyes still closed. But instead of telling you what I intended to, I made a joke and then started crying. I saw your hand moving a bit under the bedding and uncovered it. All of a sudden you grabbed mine and pressed it really hard, so hard it actually hurt me. I felt like you knew it all along. With tears running down my cheek I said: "This year I didn't get elected the class representive, but I don't mind it...I...didn't feel like this school year." I don't even know why I said that. You were always very proud of me having that position in my class, even though it was stupid and basically nothing to be really proud of. You nodded again and suddenly said my name in a cracking voice. It sounded like you were sorry that I was crying. I was standing there now crying harder than before, tears falling down on your hand that still gripped mine so hard it began to feel numb. I tried to make you let go, but I couldn't solve your grip. "Grandpa, I have to go get mom and dad again. I asked them to leave the room", I said trying to make him stop holding me back, but it didn't work. I begged him, but he shook his head slowly. "I will come back and hold your hand again, okay? I will just get them", but still no sign of you letting me go. I told you that I know you love me and suddenly you let go, like it was the only thing you wanted to tell me. I opened the door and they came back inside. Dad said that we will leave now and that he loves you, my sister kissed your pale yellow cheeks and said goodbye and that she loves you , and so did mom. I put my hand on yours, came closer to your ear and whispered "One time we will see eachother again". As my hand was slowly sliding from yours you grabbed it again and mumbled my name one last time. I know you loved me and I think you already knew my secret. One week later I walked downstairs in the morning in order to get ready for school. Dad was sitting at his usual place with his face burried in his hands. He raised his head and said: "Grandpa finally did it. He finally did it. He doesn't have to suffer any longer." I couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to. Five days passed and I found myself standing in a hall with flowers all around the small coffin you were lying in. It seemed so surreal to me. You were always a really big man and now you're lying in a coffin that would probably be just the right size for me. Once again I asked my family to leave the room. I felt like you were there. I wanted to tell you again, but couldn't. I said I know that you love me, kissed the coffin and put my hand on the side of it. "I wish I could hold your hand one last time", I told you wishing there would not be the wood between us and I didn't let go of it until I really had to. The day we burried you was the day my heart broke a bit more. As I saw my dad bowing down infront of your grave with the bit of strengh left in him and tears streaming down his face, that looks just like yours ina younger version, I remebered how you gathered all of your strengh to say my name one last time. I could not ask for any better last words to hear from you. I don't need an "I love you", I knew you did. All I needed was your voice saying my name like you would understand. And I am sure you did.