There is something keeping me from doing the things that I should do. And I think that it is the thought of losing her. I think, that if you love somebody so much that you are sure that you can't live without that one person, you will feel anxiety rushing through your body from time to time. A feeling of fear, that knocks on your door in the night when you can't sleep. Thoughts over thoughts. Unrealistic theories begin to multiply in your head and all you want to do is to switch it off. But how would you switch off something that you cannot control? Some people find comfort in those thoughts because they think that it's a "proof that the love is real". What if you are not one of those lucky people? What if you begin to suffer from this figment. You sit there - powerless - and watch the trust that you've built break down slowly but then suddenly all at once. Then you shake your head, your fingers begin to flinch because you don't want to think that way. She will not leave you. She will not betray you. She will not go without saying "Goodbye". She will not treat you like you've been treated before. She is not like the friends or "lovers" before her.
Isn't it funny how this maybe turns out to be about other people. It's not about her. You know she would not do that. You know it's not her way to just leave and ignore you. I asked myself many times why my past controls the present so often. I guess because I am used to people leaving me all of a sudden. I got left for better, prettier, more intelligent and more interesting girls. I got left for persons from their previous life. I began to believe that it is my fault. I studied to finally be the intelligent girl. I stopped eating to finally be the pretty girl. I did things that don't attract my attention just to finally be the interesting girl. But that girl that I've become was not me. So I stopped and wracked down this wall of lies. I stood there without any mask or wall to hide behind. And then she came in my life. She saw me standing there. I was hurt, had no selfesteem and felt lonely. She opened up her arms and made me feel what real love is. She kissed my wounds multiple times and told me that she will not treat me like the persons before. I believed her and let her close - closer than anybody before. And this is where I am right now. I sit here and something keeps me from doing the things that I should do. And I think that it is the thought of losing her.