Trigger warning: abuse, sexual abuse
I don’t know how to properly note this down, since it all feels like a blur when I think about it now, it felt like a huge spiral, once sucked in there was no getting out. He crawled under my skin and I didn’t even know what happened until it was over.
It makes me so angry, it makes me sad, and I’m over it, over him, but sometimes there are still flashbacks of memories, I remember situation and I see how fucking wrong that all was
He forced me to tell him -everything- I’ve done with my body, in a sexual way. How I started masturbating when I was like, idk, 9 or something. How often I did it and etc. I told him I was uncomfortable, if I didn’t tell it he meant that it’s disrespectful, that it shows that I don’t care about him, that he has a right to know it. He would start to yell at me if I didn’t, I knew that. He would yell and humiliate me and ignore me in the end, like he always did, and I would go to school the next day with swollen eyes from crying the whole night, maybe sleeping for a few hours, if so that was a success. So I told him all this masturbation stuff, told him all of it until he finally believed me that there was no more information, and then he made me feel bad about it, harassed me.
He even asked me once in a while if I masturbated, when I said yes he started to yell at me, telling me that my behaviour ist he worst, that he won’t have sex with me anymore if I do it again.
Once he held me so tight and pushed me against a wall, I told him before that I’m a bit claustrophobic, I told him to let go, to stop pushing me against the wall, I told him that I’m uncomfortable, that I’m starting to panic, and he just laughed at me, not letting go. I tried to break free from this, he yelled at me for pushing him away.
He yelled at me and I cried and we had this so so so many times. Yelling at me, till I was so broken that I couldn’t even think straight anymore. It got to a point where you could’ve made me say that green unicorns do exist, I think I would’ve said and believed everything, as long as he stopped yelling and shouting at me then.
He made me tell him what I did wrong, he was so sweet and nice again then, like when you give a dog a treat for doing a trick, and then I wasn’t allowed to be sad or messed up anymore because well, for hi mit was fine again. “I learned my lesson“ and now I have to be fine and happy again because he is too.
I don’t know how many times he told me that he will leave me if I won’t get better, how many times he told me that it’s all my fault, that I am the one who makes everything so goddamn hard.
I had panic and anxiety attacks at that time, he told me that it’s all in my head, that I am making this up, that he knows that I am fine so I have to be, he told me that he’d leave if I’m not getting better. He forced me to tell him about every single attack, he forced me to tell him about it when I broke down in school crying, not beinv able to breathe normally, he forced me to tell that, if I did, he went on and on about how I’m making it up, when I tried to explain it he started yelling and I started crying and it went on with how it always went.
He blamed me for dressing nice, he blamed me for talking to people in my class. I usually was the really shy and quiet kid and I started to open up, for me it was an accomplishment, to start being a bit more social. He just called me out on it, told me that this is not the girl he fell in love with, that this is stupid, that I shouldn’t talkt o those people because they are going on partys and getting drunk, that I’m not allowed to talk to them or even befriend them because they are bad for me.
I could go on and on and on about such things.
He made me believe that I need him, that I am nothing without him. When I acted like he wanted me he told me how perfect we were, what a great relationship we had, how much better it could be if I just pull myself together. It's so hard to explain why I stayed with him, it's so hard to understand how invested you are once you're in something. Maybe it's the way how much he acts like he loves you after you're done fighting, maybe it's the way how he turns everything the way that you are at fault, how he tells you to make up for it. How he makes you feel like you could be worthy of his love if only you did this and that.
The thing is, I learned a lot about self worth, about self respect and how important it is. Having someone blame you for every flaw, picking into every weakness of yours can make you incredibly strong if you let it.
When it was over, I thought a lot about it, analyzed it, who did what, what made me do this and that, what made him do this and that and so on, and this kind oft hing teaches you a lot but I still panic whenever I try to adress a problem with someone I care about, I still panic that they freak out and yell at me. I’m scared to tell people I date about it, I’m scared that they’ll leave because I’m so fucked up. I still think that this was my fault, that I shouldve just noticed the signs, that I shouldve walked away at the beginning, that I should not let myself be treated this way, I know that I am not at fault for this, but I still feel like I am-
Like I wrote in the description, I hope this doesnt offend any of the rules of Belletristica, I just needed to get this out, get this off my chest.