Clean Slate

Jonathan woke up feeling better. Then the realization hit him. This hadn’t been a dream. It didn’t happen too often but sometimes he got caught up in his dream world that he had difficulties adjusting when he woke up. He rubbed his eyes hard until the skin around it was red and puffy. He hadn’t eaten a lot and his stomach was growling, so he decided to go take a look at the fridge, which was empty, like usual since she had moved out. God he missed her. Fuck. he couldn’t think like this. It wasn’t gonna make her come back. He really wished she hadn’t been so fucked up in the head sometimes and it would have been easier for him to understand her. She was usually so laid back but sometimes she just got so angry and weird and he didn’t get it at all. Like when she got stressed she was all calm and chilled but sometimes weeks after that she would snap at him for no reason at all. It was like there was some animal buried deep in her soul, which she would only let out at certain times, but he still hadn’t found a way to make it go away. It wouldn’t last long, she’d be back to normal before he knew it but he still couldn’t figure out what caused it and how he could prevent it from happening. But when she was angry at him, he could see the hatred in her eyes. Hatred towards him, and herself and everything. She looked at him with disgust and this certain kind of anger that pretty much told you that you were walking on a fine line and if if didn’t do what she wanted you d be falling of it and out of grace. He remembered when he went out one night with the guys, nothing big, nothing she would usually give a shit about but the next day she had that look in her eyes. She was trying to disguise it.. she was trying to be really sweet but she was too calm, not her usual chatty self. When he called her on it she snapped: “ you know, I m there for you all the fucking time. I take myself back every time I can so that you shine, so that you don’t feel like I m smothering you, so that you feel like you are free to do whatever you wanna do! But then you cant even sent me a fucking text when you get home.. when that’s all I asked for . When I’ve been there every day, and you know that that would make me happy. I feel like your mom, the person that tells you that you don’t appreciate her.. but you don’t.. you don’t appreciate me at all. I am just good when you need me, if you don’t you don’t care at all..” He knew that she knew this was bullshit, and he knew he would be able to talk her out of this, but he could see all the insecurity build up inside her just bubbling out in these accusations. She had talked herself up. She took the bottle of wine she had been drinking, took a sip directly from the bottle and threw it at the door, like they would do in movies. She wasn’t drunk, not on alcohol at least. She was drunk on rage and anger, and he was sure that it couldn’t only have been his behavior that had caused this. Then the crying would start and after that she d probably open the next bottle and get drunk and cry even more. He felt helpless when she was like this and he wanted to help but he also couldn’t see why he wanted to be with her at times like these. And in the end, these times were too frequent, too messy and he wasn’t sure why he still missed them now.
Jonathan was ready to shake this off. On the way to the bathroom, he saw that his jacket had fallen from the hook again but he didn’t bother picking it up this time. He stripped down to his boxers, trying not to look at himself in the mirror . He got in the shower and tried to wash all the events off. He soon realized that this was gonna take more than one shower.

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