Nodding And Listening

Allow me to recount you the experience of my friend Jonah.

The lights were buzzing in and out, and the bathroom was in complete disrepair; the toilet had a red stain, and the bath tub also had layers of brown rust. Jonah walked into the dimly lit room, looked himself in the mirror. Then said, "I really need to clean this glass." At the moment he felt like not doing it, thus went and sat on the bed in order to reflect on his thoughts. It had many times he had talked to Ezekiel, though it was only today in particular that he payed attention to him very much.

Teddy walked into the direction of the light. "Jonah, you should try to create your own group." Jonah didn't remember whether he open up the stuffed animals chest, in order to put in a makeshift radio. Or if possibly the bear suddenly obtained the magical powers to be able to talk on it's own. "Wouldn't that be great?" Jonah thought it was amusing that the bear sounded just like his favorite horror movie villain, a robot named Jab. He reclined in his bed in order to sleep.

"I want to form my own philosophy, something unique to me; it would center around assimilation, acceptance, and non dependent association; no more silence, only the music in my head." Jonah didn't remember the retort the Teddy made, maybe in fact the bear did not retort at all. Perhaps he was simply seeing things because of distress of the night. He gradually found the call of the dark night, gradually becoming harder to resist. He chose not to fight, he gave into the sleep.

"I can help you Jonah, we can form our own group."

When he woke up, it was twelve. Teddy had punched him in the face, and his jaw hurt. Staring around the room, he had the same old reminder of many paper. They were tossed across the floor. He felt that staying up, while laying in bed was a bore. Thus he got up and sat on his bed, and placed his hands over his face to drown away the tiredness. Teddy was resting again on his bed he specifically made from a weave, then looked at the ceiling tugging at his sleeve. "The music in my head."

"So your up, we need to talk about you bashing my head against the wall." Teddy said. Eggplant was still asleep in his room. Jonah was to caught up in his own thoughts to be able to care about what the stuffed animal was saying, and went into the kitchen to make himself breakfast.

"I did what now?" Jonah said half-listening.

It was later in the morning, but still early. Jonah had his stuff ready in order to go to his class. "Wait for me Jonah, remember. I'm your friend." Jonah simply leaned his back backward, and laughed.

"Your just a Teddy Bear." Jonah said, then left.

Teddy was lonely in the dorm room, Eggplant was still sleeping. So he hopped onto the desk, carefully making sure that he did not knock anything onto the floor. Then he pounced on the Eggplant, and punched it in the face. "Hey wake up, it's Teddy." The eggplant growled because of his interrupted sleep, then in a mocking laugh pushed the Teddy off of him.

"What are you wanting. Your just a Teddy." The words Teddy continued to repeat over and over again in the Teddy Bear's mind. "You know, I wonder if Jonah is going to try to talk with that one guy he keeps talking about again." Teddy was to caught up in his own thought to pay attention. The Eggplant got up, and punched the Teddy Bear in the face. "Hey I'm -" Eggplant couldn't finish.

"Don't touch me." Teddy said.

Later that evening, Jonah finishes homework from class. "So Jonah, Mr. Jonah. How are you expecting to be able to run your life?" said Teddy.

"Yea I'll just have you be Mr. Vice President." Jonah walked over to the door, then placed his ear upon it. "Hey I can hear voices. They sound like, are Ezekiel and his friends making fun of me outside?" Teddy bear walked over and stood behind him.

"Why do you think that Jonah?" Teddy noted that Jonah was not particularly listening to him at the moment. :Alright let's get things straight. I'm going to be the one that takes the lead. You will follow me" But Jonah was to caught up listening, beyond the door. "Are you listening man, I'm Teddy your friend." The voices on the other end of the door stopped.

"Hey Jonah, you ok Man. Something wrong?" Jonah heard Ezekiel's voice.

"What it to you man?" said Teddy.

"Shut up Teddy, they'll hear us." said Jonah.

"I'll see you in class Jonah."

Later on, Teddy, Eggplant, and Jonah all hung out and told ghost stories with each other. Then Jonah decided to get up, and go play pool. "Where you going Jonah, don't leave me!" said Teddy." Jonah simply puffed his hair on his face. Then cracked the door. "Hey Jonah, what's that empty CPU over there?" Jonah turned around, and stared at Teddy."

"It's not what you think it is." Jonah said.

"I can make the headmaster think it is." Teddy said.

"And who would believe a –"

"He'll think it's you talking."

Because of this, he picked up both the Eggplant and the Teddy and brought them with him to be able to go and play pool. There the Goth girls stared at him, because he was talking to a stuffed eggplant and a Teddy Bear. They giggled to each other, then went into the bar. "Tough crowd tonight." said Teddy. Eggplant guy simply rolled his eyes.

"It's not you, it's Jonah." said Eggplant.

"Shut up, will you."

"Hey Jonah, how are you talking to?" Ezekiel at the pool table asked?"

"Ezekiel, Eggplant and Teddy. Eggplant and Teddy, Ezekiel." said Jonah.

"Hey is he that guy you talk about a lot?" said Eggplant.

"Shut up Eggplant."

Who talked about who?" said Ezekiel? At that point Ezekiel thought that something was seriously wrong with Jonah. "Hey, let's just play some pool OK." Jonah played pool for the rest of the night.

"Why did you have to say anything?" said Jonah to Eggplant.

"Could not help it." said Eggplant.

"Stop talking to yourself Jonah." said Ezekiel.

"Oh I'm no." said Jonah.

"Sure." said Ezekiel."

They exited the pool house.

"So Jonah, is everything OK?" said Ezekiel. They were going back to their dorm rooms. Ezekiel shut up his lady friends, that made sarcastic comments about liking his Eggplant.

Jonah resisted cackling. "Yea everything is fine, why?"

"Your talking to a fucking Eggplant." said Ezekiel.

"Don't you have imaginary friends Ezekiel?" Jonah said, then slammed his dorm room shut.

Ezekiel stared at the door, that said do not disturb. "Sometime in the universe, you really will find stranger people than those like us."

I hadn't known him for very long, he might be institutionalized somewhere.

It was a cold month in twenty eighty six.

I have nobody there, I have nobody in my hair. There is a sound quieter than the deepest silence. Nobody's singing is there. The plight of the falling song birds is a tune that fills the air.

The world of my own, that has nobody in it. Watch me breath my last breath of air. The fumes of toxic smog, fills my lungs with stranger air. I only have myself to wait, till the porn pills give me flare. In the hearts of men, there is the ensnare. Of being scammed into losing one's worth. And one rots on this forsaken Earth. But this is the story, about another girl who dated another girl, that lost her life to young.

A young woman who liked to eat bagels, found she could not eat Shrimp. Her girlfriend, loved to eat shrimp but hated bagels. The one who loved to eat bagels found shellfish were not kosher, but her girlfriend found bagels were simply to dry. If it were only this, her girlfriend would not have chosen to die. The hum that fills the air, ensnares one to the sound of inner music.

At first it was the different dietary aspects.

Then it was the different religions.

Then the priest wanted to split them apart.

A few months went by, but there was never a fresh start. One found herself amongst the company of men. Found her life loop all o'er again, dating strange men due to financial security. And yet they new that something was missing, as the drifting apart without a hint of kissing. The snake of the other man refused hiss at her tender lips, because he knew she was not into him. Thus she never tasted his flesh.

But when she tried to find the Shrimp eating girl, she found herself involved with a strange group of suicide girls. She managed to get her out of this relationship. But there was a long period of silence.

There was a period of shouting.

There was a period of pouting.

Then the eternal silence.

The girl that ate bagels arranged a funeral, and placed a shrimp plushy upon her engraved stone. Though the two were atheists, she bent down and prayed. Yet there was no atone for the damned.

She was struck my lightning in the air.

And now the silence fills the air.

A realistic dream.

"Well let me tell you a story, of a time I used to be a rich lady." the woman in the black and red dress said. She was sitting on the floor, waiting for me to give her a full attention, waiting for me to be her audience.

If we back up, keep in mind I am a trans woman who is a sex abuse survivor. There isn't anybody that will tell me my trauma is invalid. I have no idea what this woman is trying to achieve. She told me of how she once wore a tuxedo to a programmers ball. It was a time when women could technically wear anything they wanted, provided it was appropriate for the job.

She told me of how she spent all her money on smokes, how she had to go on food stamps because her ill advised spending habits. No fault of mine sugar. But there was some kind of truth in what the woman said, even if I found the rest of what she had to say invalidating of the specific kinds of trauma I experienced. While she may have to worry about homelessness due to bad spending, I had a family who was at risk of no longer sending. There was bad blood due to the fact that I had moved to another state, because I wanted to live an independent life. Reality cuts with a knife; it cuts into your heart, and drains you dry.

So why would I be subjected to this lie?

This lie called life.

When you spend time somewhere for five months, sometimes you gain the reflection of it being better to spend time listening to others. Yet there are people that take advantage of this privilege. Even if I were inclined to come out, and believe me if I trust you and have met you I have no hesitation, sometimes you meet grimy old men who kick your legs, while telling you he has no problems with gay people. Some minority groups like himself have been visible for years, like beating a dead horse.

But our discrimination is subtler. Sometimes it is still unsafe to come out as a trans person, and you are forced to not correct someone when they just assume you are some homosexual woman. I realize I'm lucky in that I pass well enough for people to just assume this, but what if I had said I was a trans woman. Along with my already present PTSD and half deafness, even if somehow the societal issue of LGBT things went away, there would still be this and being a writer that would still make society cringe. I still have the kinks I have, that also create misunderstandings. You don't develop an interest in BDSM and come out this way as a trans person, as society still hasn't moved past the idea that Trans people are sexual deviants.

And yet this visitor of my motel, had the gall to assume my issues were less than hers, and if I spoke about my issues, I'd get shouted down.

So would you really blame me?

I just nodded and listened.


Fairy Dust



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