Off the hook

There I was, I had no jacket, no key, no place to go. I put on my shoes and left the building, calling a Taxi on the way. Luckily I had enough money with me. There was no way around it, first I had to either call Sasha and see if he was home or go back to the club to get my jacket if it was still there. The driver looked at me a little funny when I gave him the name of the club but didn’t say another word. My jacket was still on the couch where I had left it as the cleaning ladies hadn’t made it that far yet. So Sasha hadn’t even thought of taking it home for me. I thanked the manager and gave him a tip and called another Taxi. While I was waiting I contemplated on what to do. I didn’t want to go home until Sasha called but I also couldn’t drive around the city aimlessly in a skimpy dress on a Sunday. I looked at my watch. It was 12.30. I could at least go to lunch. If I left my jacket on it wouldn’t look too weird and it would give Sasha some more time to call and apologize or at least try to find out where I was. I called the Taxi off and started walking until I found a nice enough little restaurant that served traditional Bavarian food. I was way too overdressed but I didn’t care and as soon as my thick soup arrived with a fresh piece of rye bread I instantly felt better. I ordered a pork roast for main course and even a dessert and when I was finished with everything it was 3.15. I checked my phone but of course there was nothing. I sighed loudly, the familiar knot forming in my throat. How could he not care where I had been? How could he not even try to make up? How was this going to end? I paid quickly and left. There was a Taxi right outside the restaurant. I told the driver our address reluctantly, but I had no other place to go than home.

It was the longest ride and the shortest at the same time. I kept imagining what I would find once I opened the door. Would Inge be there? Would Sasha even be there? Would he have packed all his stuff and moved out? I slowly put the keys into the door and took a deep breath before I entered.

The air was thick with smoke. I should have been used to it by now but the weed made me cough still. I slipped out of my heels and hung up my jacket before making my way to the living room. There was Sasha and Dima, both stoned out of their minds playing video games. „What the fuck?“ was all i could manage to say. „Oh baby, you are back. I was so worried.“ Sasha was misty eyed and so baked that he kept giggling like a little school girl after every word. „Sasha, a word?“ my voice was cold, my tone harsh and I felt like a mother reprimanding her child for doing something illegal. „Ok, love.“ He giggled again. Dima just grunted and kept on playing. I grabbed Sasha’s hand and pulled him into the bedroom. I let go of him immediately when the door was closed. „What the fuck is going on here? First you kiss that Swedish slut, then you don’t even call or text to look for me, and now you are sitting here, getting shitfaced and you don’t even think about me for one second?“ Sasha seemed to have trouble keeping up with me. „Sweetie, come here.“ He reached out for me, but I pulled back. I couldn’t stand him touching me. „Why are you so upset?“ „Why am I so upset? Maybe all the things I just said.“ I practically screamed. „Ok, ok. Let me think for a minute.“ He sat down on the bed and buried his head in his hands. For a minute I thought he had fallen asleep, but when he finally looked up he had tears in his eyes. „I am sorry baby, I am. I fucked up. I love you so much it scares me. That’s why I did this. I don’t deserve you. I can’t believe you ares still with me, so I do things like that to prove myself right.“ He was sobbing now, his chest heaving as he was trying to control his breathing. „I don’t deserve to be loved. I deserve to be alone. I should be dead. Then I wouldn’t be such a burden to everyone.“ „Sasha, I…“ my voice was softer than I intended. I wanted to be mad at him but I just couldn’t bare adding to his suffering. „Sasha, I love you.“ „You do?“ He looked up at me. „Yeah I do, but you hurt me.“ „I know, I am sorry. You shouldn’t be with me.“ „Stop saying that, please. Of course I should. But you shouldn’t do shit like that. Ok?“ I felt like I was talking to a child and not a grown man. „Ok.“ he pulled me closer and kissed me. I still felt my back stiffen at his touch. These lips had kissed someone else last night and I was well aware of that. „Sasha I need to know something. What happened with Inge?“ „Nothing.“ „But you kissed her.“ „No, not really. I don’t know. After you stormed out all I basically did was drink more. People told me to go after you, including Inge but I felt so ashamed.“ „Why would she tell you to go after me?“ „She was totally drunk too, after she realized what was happening she felt horrible.“ „I couldn’t care less.“ my anger rose to my cheeks and I could feel them burning. „I know, I know. I am just telling you what happened.“ He was silent for a minute and I had to press my palms together to keep my hands from fidgeting around. „Emma, really, nothing happened. It was just…“ his voice trailed off and he sobbed. „Max seemed to be so interested in you and you in him. I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better.“ „What? Are you insane? Max is Natalia’s boyfriend, I spoke to him for about ten minutes and that was it? I never gave you a reason to make out with Inge.“ „That’s not what it felt like to me. I am sorry.“ I wanted to ask him what he was sorry for, for what he did or that he felt this way but I didn’t. Instead I just let myself slide down the wall next to the dresser and sat there palms still pressed together. „I don’t know what to think Sasha. This has been one of the worst nights of my life.“ For a second I thought about what I had just said and it became clear that I had been having a lot of worst nights lately. „Sasha, I can’t go on like this.“ „Are you breaking up with me?“ „No, I am not. But I was very close last night. I don’t date cheaters.“ „I am not a cheater, Emma, really. I just felt so jealous. I am weak, I know. You deserve someone better than me.“ His eyes were red from the weed and probably the crying too. „We are going to make it through this, ok?“ I heard myself say. I just couldn’t see him like this. If nothing happened like he promised then it would be ok and I was sure he had learned his lesson. He hugged me tight. „I’ll go kick Dima out, ok?“ „That would be nice, thanks“ I smiled but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had let him off the hook once again.

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