The new girl

Sasha got back from work around eight, making the remaining afternoon and evening a sheer torture for me. When I heard the key in the door I nearly jumped out of my skin. I contemplated if I should go to him and apologize right away or wait for him in the kitchen. I had a Vodka in front of me and one for him ready on the table, when I heard a second voice - a woman’s voice. My heart stopped for a second, it was Russian she was speaking and I thought I recognized the voice of the woman from his office. When I went into the hallway to check I saw her perfect face staring at me in recognition and she came over to me in one long stride. „Hello, I am Natalia.“ Her accent was thicker than Sasha’s but it made her even more charming. „I am Emma, uhm, Sasha’s girlfriend.“ Sasha was still busy hanging up Natalia’s and his coat when he looked over to me. „Hi“. That was all I got from him. „Sasha, do you think we could talk quickly?“ my eyes were pleading, I was almost on my knees to make him understand how important this was to me. „Can we talk later, I need to go over some business ideas with Natalia“. Natalia was standing right there, absentmindedly tapping her short red nails against her lips. „Ok, then I will, uhm, wait for you.“ I quickly made my way to the bedroom closing the door behind me a little louder than I intended. She said something to him and he laughed and agreed with her. I was sure they were making fun of me.

After 2 hours I couldn’t take it anymore. I had cleaned the bedroom, rearranged my closet and tried to watch some TV but I so desperately needed to talk to Sasha that I decided he would have to kick Natalia out. When I opened the door I saw Sasha helping her into her coat. „Sorry that I stayed so long. Have a lovely evening, yes?“ „Yes, thank you.“ She said good bye to Sasha and left him and me facing each other in the hallway.“ „That was an awesome meeting.“ Sasha beamed at me. „What?“ „We got so much shit done and we are going to make so much money. I can’t believe I didn’t meet her sooner.“ „What?“ I asked again. „Over lunch she told me about this amazing business idea that she has and how she just needed a partner and I am definitely in. I will tell you the details when I can reveal more about it.“ „Sasha, how did this happen? When did this become so important?“ I didn’t know what else to say or ask. I had felt so horrible about the way I had treated him and here he was happily talking about some business he didn’t even think about having a couple of hours ago. „Well Emma, Natalie shared something with me. She actually believes in me, and that is why we are going to be business partners. You don’t actually need me for anything, you said so yourself, so I had to think of something else to do.“ „Wait, what? Is this about today? Is that why you are doing this? To make me jealous?“ „Jealous? No. But if you don’t believe in me, someone else will. You are just like my mom. That is why you are keeping me from your friends and making sure I don’t get to know them. That is why I am not allowed to do stuff for you because you think I might be doing it wrong, but you know what? I don’t need that shit. You do your stuff I will do mine and we’ll see which one of us will be more successful.“
He just looked at me, his eyes cold, his lips firmly closed. I wanted to do the same. I wanted to be as cold and hard as him but I couldn’t be. I felt the tears rising in my eyes and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. „Oh are you gonna cry again? That’s all you do nowadays. Cry when you don’t get what you want.“ he smirked and for the first time he looked ugly to me. „You are hurting me Sasha, can’t you see that?“ „I am hurting you? I am not responsible for how you feel. You brought this all on yourself. Think about it.“ With that he grabbed his coat and left the apartment.

Sobbing I went into the kitchen and took the glass of Vodka meant for Sasha still sitting on the table. I downed it and immediately got the bottle from the freezer to poor another one. My sobs were dry and desperate. I couldn’t breathe, I kept sucking in air but it didn’t seem to reach my lungs. My hands were trembling so hard I had to sit down and put them between my legs in between shots and the trembling only started to fade after I finished my 6th shot. I buried my head in my hands and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. Could this be over already?

I didn’t remember how I finished almost half the bottle only that I felt worse than I had ever felt in my life. I kept trying to dial Sasha’s number but my fingers didn’t seem to work. When I finally reached him he picked up after the third ring. „Yes?“ „Sasha, please come back. I am sorry.“ „Sorry won’t do it.“ „Why? Sasha, please I love you.“ „You should have thought of that before.“ „But I do, please, I do love you please come back.“ Even in my drunken haze I felt weak begging him to come home like that but I couldn’t help it. „I am not sure I love you anymore.“ I didn’t remember anything after he hung up saying these last words.

When I woke up in the morning my head was pounding and my eyes were swollen shut. The horror of last night slowly came back to me as I lifted my head off the pillow. I tried to get the events together when I noticed Sasha sleeping soundly next to me. I desperately wished for it all to have been a dream but my headache just proved that last night had definitely happened. Even though I wanted nothing more than for Sasha to wake up so that I could talk to him, I got up as quietly as I could. My head started spinning even before my feet hit the ground and I barely made it to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach into the white porcelain bowl. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and got in the shower. I let the warm water wash over me which helped my headache but I felt sicker with each minute I stood there so I sat down and hugged my legs tight, just like they did in the movies. My eyes were so red and raw from crying and I thought I could’t shed another tear but they kept coming just like last night. After ten minutes I knew I wouldn’t feel any better than this so I got to of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel and went into the bedroom. Sasha was still sleeping soundly. I had to wake him up or I would go crazy. „Sasha,“ I whispered. He didn’t even flinch. I took my hairbrush from the dresser and dropped it on the floor. He stirred a little but didn’t wake up. „Sasha,“ I said, a little louder but still nothing. I just stood there now knowing what do to for the next 10 minutes. I couldn’t bring myself to trying to wake him up again so I got my sweatpants and one of his sweaters and curled up on the couch. I thought about some food but discarded the idea quickly as another wave of nausea hit me hard. I stared at the clock on the wall and the minutes passed slower than ever. I closed my eyes but that made my head spin even harder so I just lay stare staring and thinking that I didn’t want to think anymore. After about an hour of mind numbing pain I heard Sasha cough loudly. I went over to him and found him still in bed but also staring at the wall. „Good morning“ he said. „Hey“ I whispered softly. „About last night…“ „Yes?“ I was hopeful that he would retract whatever he said last night and make everything ok again. „I didn’t mean what I said.“ „Which part?“ My heart was trying to win a race with my thoughts. „That I don’t love you. That is not true. I do love you, just not when you are like that.“ „What does that even mean?“ „It means I can’t be with you when you act like that. You make me feel weak and insecure, the way my mom used to make me feel all the time. You don’t let me in and you give me the feeling like I can’t ever please you enough to make you love me“. „But Sasha, that is not at all what I was trying to do.“ „I know you might not do it deliberately, it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t be with someone, that makes me feel like that.“ „Does this mean you want to end things with me?“ I could feel the tears burning in my eyes again. „No it just means if anything like that ever happens again I might not be here the next morning.“ He left the threat hanging in the air and hugged me tight.

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