Why is it so hard to make the right choice? Whenever I try I seem to fail and all the time I spend planning the future, thinking about alternatives and hoping that everything will be fine is completely in vain. I don´t even know what is right or wrong anymore – maybe, there is no right or wrong. Maybe there are only other´s expectations that differ from my own plans and I try to adapt too much. Even though I feel like I start to lose myself I will never be able to act as the person they want me to be. I cannot fulfill their plans but neither can I be myself and maybe it is exactly this imbalance between their wishes and my plans that makes it so hard to me to make a proper decision. Whenever I try there are those voices in my head shouting “What will they say? What will they think? How much will they dislike it this time?” and because of this there cannot be a good end. I mean, how should anything good come out of this when I am so insecure about what I want to become and when the people around me use their words not to support me but to tell me that what I want or do is just crazy. In the end I will be left with nothing - no support, no right decisions, no self confidence - and when then comes the next time to make a choice I will be so confused that I will start to mix up "yes" and "no", forget what I want or once more I will be just too shy to speak up and fight for my wishes. How I whish things could be different. Often I cling to this dream until it starts to feel real and then I feel relieved for a tiny moment - just as long as it takes for reality to crash back into my head. After that there is this empty feeling that of being even more lost than I was before. I know that in the good or the bad way there is a future for everybody, even for me, but I am so damn afraid of what's to come. What should I do when I cannot live my life the way that destiny has planned it for me? What if I cannot leave all of their expectations behind and therefore never learn how to follow my own dreams? What if I will never know who I am for real?

Kommentare

  • Author Portrait

    Ein sehr bewegender Text. Es tut mit Leid, dass dich solche Gedanken plagen. Doch glaube mir, du wirst zu deiner Berufung geführt und wenn es auch mal über Umwege ist. Du musst du daran glauben und dein Ziel stets vor Augen haben. Alles Gute dabei!

  • Author Portrait

    I absolutely get what you want to say and you have put your thoughts into beautiful words. I think it is just what life is about. Understanding yourself, working against all those voices inside and outside of you and finally just listening to the one that matters, your own! I still haven't completely found it either!

  • Author Portrait

    Sounds like it just came out of my mind too. We seem to have had same thoughts this night. I don't know if I'm not too far away from me and slipped to deep into the expectations of others yet. Ovewr the last days I often came to the thought "I don't know who am I am." I hope we'll both figure it out someday. It's so hard and so confusing living like this. On the edge between what you want and what others expect and you don't want to make them angry or sad, cause you are scared...

  • Author Portrait

    GREAT!!!!!!!!!! ^-^ I love it, very good writing. :)))

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