Childhood - no time to #Care
I grew up with three sisters. Both my parents had to work to cover the expenses for four children: food, clothing, school, hobbies and some rare but fun family holidays.
I was always the strange one. Kind of a loner, preferred to be alone.
Which is not easy when you have to share one room with three and later still with one sibling(s).
There was simply no time and space to #Care about my special needs.
They only found out that I needed glasses when I went to a regular sight test and couldn't tell what the pictures on the wall showed (I think it was a teapot and I said it was a ball). I was four years old. And I got glasses.
I was devastated.
Not only did I not want to mingle with my fellow kindergarten kids because I was a total introvert. Now they would also tease me for my glasses.
Same thing happened to me when I entered university prep-school.
I got braces to correct my teeth when I was eleven. I had barely accepted the (ugly) glasses I had to wear. What little self-esteem was left in me got shattered to pieces now because of this metal in my mouth.
Of course I got laughed at and teased for it. I didn't "own" it. I hated it.
I didn't have any friends from kindergarten or elementary school.
And being the introvert that I was I couldn't bring myself to make ones now either.
The turning point
In seventh grade I finally found a friend. She was interested in the same TV series as I was and she took me along with her and helped me make new friends. She took #Care of me and I eventually learned to be more outgoing and how to behave around others. I am very grateful that we met back then. We are still in contact today although our livepaths have almost nothing in common anymore.
Since I had never learned how to take #Care for myself I ended up doing all kinds of things I hated.
After graduation, I worked at a supermarket on the checkout. It was loud, boring, over- and underwhelming at the same time. But at least I earned some money.
I went to university because I was told to. I studied one semester of pharmacy but it got me nowhere. My heart wasn't in it. It was then, when I had my first meltdown.
Later I started a training as an office worker. It was loud, lots of pressure, I hated it. But I was freshly in love which kept me alive at that time. Until I wasn't.
I had my second meltdown. Then I moved out from my parents house.
I ended my already dead relationship and quit my job.
For the first time in my life I took #Care of myself. It felt wonderful.
But I still didn't know what I wanted.
The perfect job
Or better: The job I thought was perfect.
At twenty-five I went to a training fair where companys from my town and all around promoted their training offers.
I had made a list what my future job should be like. Unconciously I had made it the perfect opposite of an office workers job.
So I started training as a landscaper and gardner.
At first it felt great. I loved learning all the botanical names of the trees and flowers. I was tops in almost every theoretical subject. But when it came to practical lessons I was more on the mediocre to bad side.
I pushed myself hard to make the finals and I did it.
But I was unhappy.
I had to work so hard that soon all I did was sleep, work and eat. I couldn't cope with the mobbing of my colleagues, the noice of the machines, the pressure. I was too weak for most of the tasks.
I tried changing work places. Went to a small company with only three other employees. We mostly did private gardens. I loved it.
It didn't work out.
I couldn't take #Care of myself the way I needed it.
Day after day I got up. Yes, I liked what I was doing. But I also got stressed out beyond my limits every day.
The noice of the electric hedge trimmer, the height of the fruit trees we had to prun, the heat in the summer, the cold in the winter, the way my colleagues treated me, each other and themselves.
I got weaker by the day.
One day, I got home and had my third meltdown.
I sat in my car and could not move at all. All I did was crying.
For half an hour.
By then I already knew about my high senistivity. I knew why I couldn't keep up. Why I was tired all the time. Why I just couldn't do the work as I was supposed to do it.
But I didn't want to let my boss and my colleagues down so I kept on working there until the end of that years working season.
I didn't even realize how much it repelled me to start working again in the next season until the time to do so came closer.
Finally I talked to my boss I told him I couldn't come anymore.
In the name of self #Care I had to stop torturing myself like that.
My One Word
It's been a year since then.
I only now figured out all of this. I wouldn't have without that book one of my older sisters has given me.
Evan Carmichael's "Your One Word".
If you haven't read it. Read it. Now.
It changed my life completely.
The way I look at myself, the world, everything.
My One Word is #Care.
#Care means a lot to me.
First self #Care. To look out for yourself. To tend to your needs.
Listen to your heart, body, head, emotions.
Second #Care for others. Make them feel good about themselves. Make them feel comfortable. Listen to them. Help them.
Third #Care for the world. Take responsibility for your actions and the consequences they have on others, the environment, everything.
Looking back, #Care has always driven me.
What I have achieved so far
Since I was a child I had always loved documentaries about nature, animals and landscapes. I loved the pictures and I loved learning about the circle of life and everything. I #Cared for them.
But at the end of all the documentaries there was always this warning, that we had to keep those natural paradises alive and to prevent the wipeout of the diversity of life.
At some point I got angry because they never said a word about HOW we should do this.
Plastic planet
One day, I was twenty-one, I watched "Plastic Planet" (a documentary by Werner Boote, 2009). I begann to research ways to reduce my ecological footprint and through some books and websites I got to the Zero Waste Movement.
I came across wastelandrebel.com (a blog by Shia Su).
Within one year I reduced my waste by 90%.
90% less packaging that I had to pay for, 90% less garbage bags to get rid of.
AND the good feeling of having done something for the protection of the environment. I felt great!
Later on I became a minimalist. I got rid of, sold or gave away everything I didn't need or use anymore. It helped me sort out things. Not only materialistic but also mental things.
Until I went a bit too far.
I was so eager to live on the absolut basics that I didn't properly take #Care of myself anymore.
I felt empty.
But eventually I figured that out and now I call myself a moderate minimalist. I try not to buy things I don't need or won't use.
I repair and share what I have and I try to recycle whatever I can.
And I am happy with that. So goal achieved. ;)
What the health?!
I was twenty-eight when my body told me that I had to change some things. I had serious problems with digestion and I felt weak and unhealthy all the time.
I didn't have any trust in doctors so I decided to research what I could do myself.
That way I stumbled upon the documentary "What the health?!" (by Kip Anderson and Keegan Kuhn, 2017).
It was like an enlightenment. Suddenly everthing made sense.
I watched a couple of other documentaries (i.e. "Forks Over Knives", 2011) and went vegetarian from one day to another in July 2017.
I felt better immediately. I mean, wow! Simply by changing my diet I could take #Care of myself, others (animals) and the environment altogether!
After watching some more cruelty revealing documentaries ("Earthlings", "Dominion", "Cowspiracy", name it, I have probably seen it...) I decided to go vegan in february 2018.
But I needed some transition time. It took me almost four month to go vegan a hundred percent. Because I loved all kinds of desserts and at that time when you went out with friends in a café or a restaurant and you wanted dessert, chances it was a vegan one were zero.
At some point I finally decided that I #Care more about the wellbeing of innocent animals than I #Care for my desserts.
Wow.
Writing that really hits me hard because it shows how ignorant and insensitive I was towards other sentient and living beings at that time.
Glad I changed that.
And it came with great benefits: I lost some fat (18 kg in total ;), I felt healthier, happier, fitter. My brain felt like a thick fog had been lifted from it. My thoughts became clearer.
I wanted to share this!
I wanted everyone to benefit from changing their diets to a plant based, animal cruelty free diet.
And yet again I had the wrong approach to the subject.
I annoyed and offended people.
I went radical and reposted videos of animals being tortured and exploited.
I had forgotten about the real reason I was doing this: #Care about others.
Others are not only the animals but also the people who eat them and may be just like I was when I decided that having dessert is more important than a life.
So I stepped back and calmed down. I entered the ProVeg International Organisation in September 2018. I joined a peaceful kind of activism where it is more about the benefits of the change than about the bad sites of ignorance.
My goals
I want to find an employer whose One Word is #Care and work with them. An employer who sees my potential, shares my perspectives and goals and allows me to take #Care for my special needs.
I want to minimize my ecological footprint and maximize my handprint (doing things that benefit the environment).
I want to #Care for myself and the people in my life to my hearts content.
I want to make others see the great value and benefits of #Care.
Self #Care. #Care for others. #Care for the world.