Fortunately I don't actually know what it's like to suffer from depression. There are times I feel the way I describe depression in this poem, but I don't have depression, I guess(/hope). But I tried to explain it anyway. I'm a bit afraid because I don't know if I described it the 'right way'. Well, anyway. Maybe someone feels a little more understood or finds themself in this poem or.. whatever.
All of a sudden
All of a sudden.. like nothing was,
the bliss is 'way, my mind gets dark,
like someone turned my roomlight off,
and suddenly I start to trough.
So while I'm stucking in this shit,
just wanting to get rid of it,
I remember someone asking me
"What's depression like.. how does it feel ?".
Well, my dear, that's the struggle with feels,
it has thousand faces, shapes to be,
and it's hard to describe it, but let me try,
so, here's an attempt to explain what it's like:
It's feeling empty, nothing, numb,
feeling everything at once,
wanting to scream, to cry, to fall,
needing love, a hug, a call.
Feeling worthless, seeing no sence,
making no progress, bleeding intense,
feeling lost and feeling weary,
being exhausted, everything's dreary.
Being tired, but being not able to sleep,
living one hour that feels like a week,
not wanting to communicate, but expecting a call,
being loved, but feeling not loved at all.
Not finding a reason to move on,
simply existing all along,
being not able to give life a meaning,
being tired of being tired of being.
Sometimes you even wish to die,
you do not see the reasons why
you should keep pulling through, keep up,
instead of giving in or up.
Not actually knowing what to feel,
or what to need or what is real,
not actually knowing what is true,
or where's the clue or what to do
to let this feeling 'way and go,
to let some warmness in your soul,
to let some fire in that snow,
to simply feel alive, you know ?
Knowing that this feel won't last forever
honestly doesn't make it better,
'cause you know you might survived this rain,
but there's always another storm that waits.
Yeah, even if you make it through the rain,
you'll never know when depression will hit you again,
it's always there, sometimes increased, sometimes fewer,
but it will always haunt and visit you in the future.
Pretty shitty, right? Well, I guess you've understood a bit
how fucked up, let me repeat it, fucked up it is,
"I have missed you so much! What a pleasure to meet!",
noone, ever, apart from this beast.
But back to the feelings that you'd have,
depression's so much more than feeling sad,
more than having a couple of shitty days,
it's an illness, more than being not okay.
It's being not able to do things that are demanded,
that society, people are taking for granted,
hoping and wishing to feel okay again,
hoping to made it through, until when
you're finally freed from this burden in your heart
that oppressed you without regard,
'til you're feeling alive again at last,
all of a sudden.. like nothing was.
Thank you for reading! And, please, feel hugged and loved and.. I'm proud of you for doing so fine and taking your daily struggles and fights. You can make it through, okay ? Again and again.